Conflict Resolution/Parent or Friend?
By Tony Goldsmith, MA, BCETS
For immediate release: Guest Editorial or Letter to the Editor
For more information, contact Tony Goldsmith at tgoldsmith109@verizon.net
Submission by: Janet Lloyd Murphy, jklm12@verizon.net or 610-368-5787
The Healthy Communities Initiative program has sponsored a Parenting Discussion Series during the school year, hosted by Springton Lake Middle School in the Rose Tree Media School District, but open to all parents in other districts as well. As a child and family therapist, I facilitated the April meeting on “Conflict Resolution/Parent or Friend?” with the theme being ”pick your battles.” This article summarizes the discussion.
During our April meeting, parents readily identified several situations where they conflict with their children. There were typical flashpoints such as disagreements over how to get homework done, when to come home at night, and use of the cell phone. All described the frustration they experience in dealing with such difficulties.
I pointed out that the role of a parent in dealing with conflicts is that of the leader – not only being part of the conflict because of setting boundaries, but also guiding the way with which the conflict will be addressed and then hopefully resolved. As the leader, the parent is responsible in the long run for bringing resolution to the problem. Sometimes that involves a parent being the authority and making a unilateral decision. Other times, the parent or parents can utilize more democratic means of making decisions. When all is said and done, a family runs more smoothly when parents are clearly at the helm and directing the show.
Borrowing from business management models of leadership styles, parents can opt to use several ways to deal with conflicts. The choice of style does not have to be based on one’s personality, although that sometimes is a determining factor. On the other hand, parents may exercise choice about how to lead using criteria as described for each style of leadership. The styles or strategies are as follows:
1. Withdrawal/avoidance: When conflicts occur, do not react and/or avoid them by not engaging. This is useful for relatively unimportant situations where there is not much to gain or loose by engaging in the conflict. The downside of this approach is that the conflict could worsen and demand attention. An example where this might be useful is when a tired child crankily says something disrespectful.
2. Smoothing/accommodation: A parent may choose to try to calm a conflict or even give in a bit in order to reduce a conflict. This is also a useful tool when the outcome of the conflict is not that important. The risk here too is that the attempts to placate may not work and the conflict continues and worsens. The best way to calm the situation is to acknowledge your child so that they know you are listening and care.
3. Forcing/competition: There are situations when a parent must force a solution to a conflict. This is called for when the outcome that a parent desires is set and there is no room for negotiation. The downside to this is that children are often unhappy with the outcome and may take revenge in other ways later. It is an approach that parents must use wisely. Always acknowledge and verbalize with your child that even though they may not understand this decision and feel it is unfair, the decision is made with love and with their best interests in mind.
4. Compromising: This is the most common manner in which conflicts can be resolved. It works if the two sides are willing to ‘split the difference’ and if it a situation that even allows for such. For example, if the conflict is over how much time to allow on the game machine, it is fairly easy to find a middle ground of how many minutes. The downside is that each party has to give in a bit.
5. Problem solving / Collaboration: This is a fairly time-consuming approach that involves teaching children to methodically address a problem, develop ideas about possible solutions, and find a way to agree on trying a solution. Parents usually have to teach the process first and then guide children through it. In the short run, this approach can be frustrating but in the long run more satisfying as the family develops consensus on a solution to the conflict and teaches their child peaceful conflict resolution and decision- making skills (The Search Institute has identified these as healthy assets No. 36 and 32, respectively).
The parents appreciated this framework for thinking about dealing with problems. They also discussed a handout of “Strategies for Calming Parent-Teen Conflict.” This is available on the web at: http://parentingmethods.suite101.com/article.cfm/calm_parentteen_conflicts).
In conclusion, I pointed out that conflicts are to be expected when raising children, particularly teens. Parents need to be ready for them, and they must assume a leadership role in helping children to resolve disputes. These are tools they will need for living beyond the family. Most importantly of all, parents need to choose their battles carefully and decide what values they want to teach and reinforce while choosing the tools they will use to deal with resolving the conflict or problem.
The next free parenting discussion session is scheduled on May 21, 7:30 to 9 p.m., in the second-floor library at Springton Lake Middle School, 1900 North Providence Road, Media. This meeting will consist of a panel of all the professionals who have presented this year, with topics including Positive Family Communication, Discipline and Setting Boundaries, Bullying, Sex and Drugs, Children and the Media, and Conflict Resolution. Parents will be encouraged to ask questions, and panel members will provide answers and challenges to parents to take with them over the summer months until the group meetings start up again in the fall. For more information on HCI, visit www.hcicares.org, email consultdana@aol.com or call 610-566-8272.