Helping Our Youth Develop Social Competence

Dr Dan Collins

The following article was written by Dr. Dan Collins, based on a discussion he facilitated as part of HCI's Parenting Discussion Series, in November, 2008.

What is social competence anyway? Search Institute defines it as one of the most important Asset Categories, where young people need the skills to interact effectively with others, to make difficult decisions, and to cope with new situations. It refers to the ability to effectively navigate a variety of social “tests” each of our youth faces in their personal journey through childhood and adolescence. These “tests” are the everyday demands our youth learn to manage, that enables them to develop, over time, and make sense of an often complicated and confusing world. Here are seven (7) core tests of social competence that merit discussion:

Growing Self-love, Self-Esteem, & Self-Direction-- Self–care is one of the pillars of becoming a healthy person. Self-love is the ultimate act of self-care. There are so many distractions that prompt young people to become insecure and harshly critical of themselves. Creative parenting recognizes the vulnerability of this stage. One of the fundamental challenges of youth is learning to love themselves. In practical terms this means being your own best friend: enjoying your own company. It also means setting goals and achieving them, which produces good self-esteem. Healthy self-love and self-esteem help us to be directed by our own thoughts, feelings, and values.

Finding Your Voice--we live in a world of imitators-- The role models that children often have available to them are people pretending to be someone else, “lip sinking” their way through life. Social competence promotes the idea that the developing youth needs to find their own voice. This stage often involves figuring out when being with their peers is the right path to follow and when pursuing a more personal journey is a better match. Additionally, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to learn assertiveness skills- asking for what you want and need. Cultivating communication skills- in a clear, consistent, and caring fashion, gives voice to your inner most thoughts. Creatively resolving conflicts is also a very effective expression of social competence; good dialogue helps build bridges of understanding rather than walls of isolation.

Harvesting Hope-represents the notion that children need to set goals for their future, to have milestones that they look forward to achieving. Children, who don’t have hope, are at risk for harming themselves and others.
Cultivating Resiliency-a cornerstone of healthy development is developing the ability to work through disappointments and setbacks. Resiliency is a crucial element of emotional health that enables youth to “weather a storm”.
Developing Discernment-this aspect of social competence helps youth to exercise good judgment among peers, sorting out positive from negative influences.
Identifying Boundaries-defines the parameters of our comfort zone, illuminating personal likes and dislikes.
Stimulating Intelligence- academic performance, social connection, emotional well roundedness, and wisdom (insight and connectedness- with self and others).

Dr. Collins is the author of the best-selling book--The Trauma Zone: Trusting God for Emotional Healing. Visit him online @ www.drdancollins.com

The next HCI Parenting Discussion Series will be December 18, starting at 7:30 p.m. at the Springton Lake Middle School on Providence Road, upstairs in the Library. The focus will be Discipline and Setting Boundaries for Consistency. The guest professional will be Nina M. Patterson, LCSW, Child and Family Therapist. All are welcome, even if you have not attended other sessions and they are FREE!